Wednesday, June 7, 2017

A Short Break

All I can say about this image is ACCURATE, I can't think of a better visual representation of myself right now. 

It's been a bit quiet here for the past couple of months as I've been too busy descending into madness in my own Parisian version of The Bell Jar writing my grad thesis and trying to catch up with everything. And I will be taking an official hiatus from updating until I move back home. 

There are a couple of reasons for this, which I did want to talk about. 

When I decided to have a lifestyle-ish blog, I knew that I wasn't the type of person who could talk about expensive candles or fluffy pillows or the perfect shirt for spring or whatever else lifestyle bloggers are supposed to talk about. I could never pretend to be something I'm not, not on nor off the internet. I think this is pretty obvious by the fact that I live in Paris and choose to openly speak about how unhappy I am, instead of pretending I spend my days having picnics under the Eiffel Tower. So far, I think I've been pretty true to myself and it is my hope that whatever I say is relatable to someone, that would win the battle in my book. 

At the same time, I have been having a really challenging year. Every day I wake up and I wonder what happened to the person I used to be. I seem to not be able to find the drive that made me such an impeccable, committed student in the past and it has created this overwhelming feeling of disappointment that I can't seem to shake off. During this time off, I think I finally got it. It's not that I am a different person-- although 2017 me has been through five years' worth of challenging experiences that 20something-year old me did not know yet-- it's that I don't believe in what I'm doing as strongly as I did in the past. The all-nighters, the endless club meetings, the AP exams, the papers, the 12hr days at the office, the finals, whatever else I faced in my professional and academic life in the past was driven by an unshakeable desire to succeed, to accomplish something I believed in. This hasn't been the case this year as I've grown increasingly frustrated with the academic system I'm trapped in, a city I don't understand, and the Debbie Downer realization that I've worked on France-related things for a decade and I don't know what the next step is. 

Which brings me to this blog. On November 2016, I knew that our lives would change and that this new administration would push me back towards a politics-driven life that I tried to put behind me. Thankfully, I'm not the only one and there are so many wonderful organizations that are being created as a response to the threat this administration poses to certain groups and human rights within our country. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do, how I can be useful, and what I can help build that would contribute to this resistance effort.  Most of all, I never want to spend another minute of my life working towards something meaningless, because it feels awful and empty. 

So I will take some time to do some soul searching, close this Paris chapter of my life, and hope to be back soon. In the meantime, I'd like to share some of my favorite entries that I have written for this blog. They have been challenging, cathartic, and mostly very honest. 

à bientôt, xx